How my experience of being choked 10 days after I gave birth sparked a deep lesson of self love and safety.

Why now?
Why share this now?

For a decade, I didn’t realize how deep in my subconscious it affected me, how much pain it has caused in my life and my daughter’s, how much financial distress I have experienced, and how it paralyzed me from moving forward with my life, toward my destiny, with ease and grace.

When I look back, I feel compassion for myself, seeing how I shut down many aspects of myself by constantly living in fear, on the defense and on guard 24/7 around my daughter’s father, then with men and money.  Living on the defense 24/7 deprives you of your energy and well being, and somehow our powerful bodies cope with this until they fully shut down.

I do take responsibility, meaning I own my responses, for how I reacted to his emotional unavailability, the lack of soul connection I always searched for, and the lack of knowledge on how to communicate and co-create with me in a conscious way.

I take responsibility that I was immature and ignorant in how to create conscious relationships.  Our journey as a couple was designed for me to become aware, awaken, and remember my truest essence. It has been a journey to remember how to be the most conscious creator with all my relationships.

I do not blame or lay guilt on myself for any of this; blame and guilt are reactions experienced when we separate ourselves from our truest power. ✨ It was just as it needed to be. ✨

I am writing this piece to share with you my story, with the intention to help you realize that any traumatic experience affects your life, relationships, finances, desires, visions, missions and creativity at a deeper level, more than you can imagine.

In my experience working in the field of Emotional and Sexual Healing, I have walked the path, peeled back many layers of “junk”, and transcended multiple layers of limiting beliefs, emotional and sexual traumas, and energetic blockages.   I have awoken, remembered, and embodied every day the greatest updated version of my creative, sensual, aligned self.

I have experienced in the flesh how we shut down our values, standards, principles, desires, dreams, and what is truly important to us because of such traumatic experiences.  I desire to share with you how an event in my life numbed values in me that are truly important for any human being to thrive in their life to their fullest potential.

If you have attended any of our transformational retreats and/or Self Love Masterclasses, you know the power of the 15 Principles of Self Love and the golden value that supports them all. With this golden value, all of the 15 self-love principles are stronger than if they were on their own.  For me, the golden value is SAFETY.   This story is a reminder of how our inner core, when connected with our higher power, creates safety in our lives and a safe container for our creations.

This value is critical for our survival; it is something we human beings all crave for and desire in our earthly existence.  It is a value that our divine creator unconditionally provides to all of us, from which we disconnect ourselves.  From this place of separation and fear, we create contrasting realities that show us what we don’t desire in our lives, in order to awaken, remember, and embody what we truly do desire.

✨✨Knowing what you don’t desire, You know what you truly DO desire ~ Law of Attraction.✨✨

The story of this event in my life happened in the days after giving birth to my daughter.  As a new mom, I was excited while at the same time feeling exhausted since my delivery was draining and painful.  It took me 26 hours to deliver my daughter.  During 24 of them, I had contractions every 4 minutes.  My body was cold even though my maternity room was 85 degrees and I took as many hot showers as possible to help with dilation.

From the beginning, I wanted to have a mostly natural birth and I refused to inject anything into my body, but my midwife was concerned that if I didn’t give birth soon, it could put my daughter at risk since she was already in the birth canal.  A C-section would be the ultimate route if the natural delivery did not occur, and I did not want (or have) a C-section.  After the exhausting 24 hours, I gave in and accepted the epidural.

After the epidural, I relaxed for less than two hours when we realized my daughter had pooped inside and was at even more risk to inhale or swallow her own poop, which could cause lung and brain damage.  Now I am on a mission to get her out.  With several pushes, she came out, and ICU was in the room to guarantee she was safe and healthy.  Indeed, she was!  As a new mother, seeing that your little gift of joy is safe is your most heartfelt desire.

Four days later, back home from the hospital, my sister got very upset at me for a good reason: I showed a lack of self-love and self-care for myself as a new mom, a full-time nursing mom.  What did I do for her to get angry?  I went to the laundromat to do several loads of laundry while I should be at home letting my body rest and recover.  I still had several vaginal stitches from delivery.

“Why couldn’t he do it?” was a question my family and many of my friends asked me.  It was easier for him to stay home with the baby, and it created more demand on me to do all the work or run errands that were necessary.  After many frustrating years in which I struggled with getting help from him with house chores, I learned to just get it done, building resentment within me along the way.

I confess, we had a very immature relationship before our daughter was born, even though he was 10 years older than me. We had no awareness on how to create a conscious relationship. Even though I had learned about emotional intelligence, sacred sexuality, multi-dimensional realms, esoterism, mysticism, and other subjects, I didn’t know how to integrate all of this knowledge into a practical form with another human being who had no awareness or interest in most of those things.

I do take responsibility that I was aware and recognized his emotional dysfunctions while we dated, and I decided to stay with him thinking I could help him, hoping that one day my love and support for him would change him.  Indeed, it did in some areas, but I paid the price.  For years, I was there for him while I was not there for myself anymore.  Inside I was getting rotten, angry, bitter, frustrated, sad, etc.  The price I paid in our relationship was, ‘I lost myself’.

The pivotal moment in this story happened on a cool September night in Long Island, New York.  My baby daughter, merely 10 days old, started crying in the middle of the night.  Half awake and half asleep, I took my time to pick her up and nurse her.  He hits me with his elbow on my left rib to wake me up fast, because the crying is disrupting his sleep.

I quickly jumped up and grabbed her, and laid back on the bed with her on my chest to nurse her.  I honestly don’t remember what happened then; I don’t remember if she was still crying, but I do clearly remember him jumping on top of me while my daughter laid on my chest, and he started to choke me, shouting at me to quiet her.

After a minute that felt like an eternity to me, he got off of me. I don’t remember if he apologized or not because it had become normal for him to react brutally and later ask for forgiveness and promise he will never do it again.  

Years after our separation, I learned that his behaviors, reactions, and attitudes fall into the categories of narcissistic personality and bipolar disorder, and studied more about the behavior and psychology of narcissists.  I did not have this clear understanding of narcissism when I was still with him.

At that crucial, terrifying moment, I remember looking at the ceiling and feeling in shock.  With tears running down my cheeks, I silently asked universe, source, God….”WHY?????”  I couldn’t believe this was happening.  The man I just had a daughter with had physically expressed his anger towards me, during my most vulnerable times.

How could this man protect me and our daughter, when he has just assaulted me in this way?

How could I feel safe with him after this?

I felt trapped because I wanted to escape from him, but with a newborn, no money of my own since I was on maternity leave from work, no place to go, and other excuses…  I stayed hoping things would get better.  It never did get better.  Things went downhill from there because I was beyond lost.

From that day forward, my subconscious did not feel safe with him, and it created many realities for me to see it, awaken, and reclaim my safety in this universe.

From that experience, I lost my sense of SELF-SAFETY in all realms for several years.  I believe I lost my sense of self-safety because I did not remove myself from the dangerous situation by leaving him soon enough after.  I created inner struggles within myself, and the universe showed me with different experiences that I needed to wake up and create safety for myself.

It has taken me years of time and doing lots of inner-self work to remember that I must feel safe within myself first so that I can extend that safe space to my own daughter, lover, family, and clients.  If I feel a strong sense of safety within me, people around me will sense and vibrationally pick up on that.  Conversely, if I feel a strong lack of safety within me, people will sense and vibrationally pick up on that.  

Early in my path as a practitioner desiring to help clients accomplish sexual and emotional healing, I experienced a time where I was vulnerable to attracting people who wanted to take advantage of me and my desire to restore the integrity of Tantra, Sacred Sexuality and Sexual Healing itself. In other words, I experienced clients coming to me with intentions and desires that were not in alignment with how I wanted to work with them.  After creating a strong sense of safety internally within myself, I noticed these types of clients show up significantly less often.  Instead, I began attracting more clients that were ready and congruent with how I wanted to work with them.  Feeling safe within myself and having clear boundaries, provides external safety.

At the same time, by not feeling safe within me, in my body, in my work, in my home, in my life; I was blocking the flow of abundance into my experience.  Safety is one of the golden keys to attracting great relationships, vibrant health, and material abundance into our lives.

As a sexual healer, I see it all the time: once we explore the depth of trauma and transcend it with ease and grace, the freedom our clients experience is beyond powerful, and their manifestations are even more delicious.  I have personally experienced different types of traumas as a child, woman, lover, mother, and human, and I have worked on transcending many layers of “junk” to reawaken, embrace, and embody my true essence every day.  Having the awareness of where any type of trauma is linked to any other areas of our life is powerful and liberating.

This story I have shared with you became more alive with meaning when I recently received a session from a team of two sexual healers who are colleagues of mine.  During the session, the memory of that traumatic moment of being choked came strongly to the surface in my awareness, to be transcended.  I had already been doing conscious work around this golden value of safety, and in this session, something ‘clicked,’ and brought more clarity into all the missing parts I did not see before.  Because I had been doing so much emotional and sexual healing work with myself, I was able to transcend this “thick layer,” the layer of not feeling safe within myself and outside of myself, relatively quickly and easily during and in the days after the session.  The newer layers of awareness around my own sense of safety, that were awakened during the session, empowered me to use the same tools and strategies that I teach others, in order to transcend past patterns around the value of safety.

This healing experience came in divine timing for me to soon face her father in court, where I will be in my full power to demand a proper parenting plan for our daughter, based on providing safety, stability, security, wellness, and freedom in her life.  Knowing I have transcended the fear behind the safety issue, I feel stronger than ever and clear in knowing that what I demand and desire for my life and my daughter’s comes from a place of alignment and self-love.

✨ SAFETY is the bonding value for all of the 15 Principles of Self-Love, which creates a great foundation for conscious relationships with self and others. ✨

Safety is crucial for our wellbeing.  So now, in what area of your life do you feel you should increase or activate SAFETY to live with ease, joy, glory, and freedom?

Click here to access your complementary Awakening Discovery Call to explore what is going on in your life, relationship and/or intimacy that is holding you back from living the life you desire. After gaining clarity and insights, if you are interested to learn more about how I can help you, I will be glad to answer any questions regarding any of my one on one sessions, programs, immersions and retreats that may be a fit for you.