Afraid to love you and be hurt again….

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Sunny day of Spring,

I wake up next to you,
Grateful for our time together,
I wonder, I ask…

How long will we last together?
1 month, 1 year, 10 years or until death do us part?

What if I give you my all, will I lose it all?

I don’t want my heart broken again, not again ~ oh lord!

Looking at you sleeping,
I gently cares your firm luscious body,
I wonder, I ask…

Should I give my wholeness again?
Should I hold up my deep emotions?
Should I keep all my love within myself and just share a bit with you?

Are you worth it? Asking from a place of pain and confusion.

My heart aches,
My body feels the pain of my questions,
My soul questions my questions…

Why not? Soul asks… My soul continues,
Why not?

Because, it hurts! ~ I respond,
It’s painful,
It’s not fun,
I cannot have my heart broken again ~ sights ~

Looking at you profoundly sleeping,
I touch your skin,
I kiss your body,
I stroke your hair,
I whisper… “I love you” ~ while you still sleep.

I question, Should I give you my all?
Should I give you my whole?
Should I give you the best of me?
Should I hold something back from you?
Would I lose it all?
Would I break my heart again?

Why not? My soul responds…

Because, it hurts ~ don’t you get it?

Who hurts? My soul asks…

I wonder, I ponder, I feel, I breath…

Who hurts? I ask within while I close my eye,
Who hurts?
Can you show me who hurts?

My mind ponder and give me all the reasons to believe I hurt,
My insecurities and fears want me to see I hurt,
My lack of trust and freedom let me see I hurt,
My selfishness lets me see I hurt,
My immature and disempowered dominant self lets me feel I hurt,
My neediness and emptiness let me see I hurt.

Who hurts? I asked again…

This time, I ask my mind to quiet ~ I want my heart to speaks to me,
I want my soul to speak through my heart,
I want infinite source to show me.

I get quiet,
I get still.

I feel my breath, I feel my heart, I feel my wholeness, I feel my existence, I feel my merging into source, I feel orgasmic love, I FEEL…

I ask, Who hurts?

Source, Infinite God, Creative Goddess, Eternal Love whisper…

“It hurts if you allow SELF to separate from ONENESS”

I felt it, I saw it ~ every time I separated myself from oneness.
I felt it, I saw it ~ every time my relationships ended, I separated from OUR wholeness.

From separation ~ I feel pain, I feel hurt and I feel broken.
From oneness ~ I feel freedom, I feel joy and I feel love.

Why not?, my soul asked…

I open my eyes and look at you looking at me in
wonder…

Yes, why not ~ why not give my all and whole to our wholeness?

Yes, why not ~ why not live every minute where time does not exist and the only thing I see is my heart and yours connecting with eternity beyond our minds, bodies and souls.

Yes, why not ~ why not trust that I am blessed with infinite abundance of love, that I am always loved, ready to love and be loved.

Yes, why not ~ I love you… No matter how long or how short our journey is, I will be whole and you will experience the fruit of my wholeness.

I look at you deeply into your soul,
I am committed,
I am certain,
I am whole,

I whisper… “I love you, with all my heart, with all my wholeness, with all my being”

I smile ~ I am not afraid to love again, I am whole and so it is!

——-

In my journey of attracting amazing lovers into my life, I had let questions lead my life ~ questions that were coming from a place of separation, defense and planning my next move always acting from a place of readiness.

I have had great relationships where I learned so much about MYSELF and in each relationship I thought I have made it, that I had found true love ~ and each time the relationship ended I was giving less and less of me to myself and my partners.

Until one day, a spring day where I was so afraid to fully love my present lover, I was afraid that I will have to let him go one day and my heart would be broken all over again so I withheld a lot.

How can you be in a relationship when you withhold a lot of yourself and don’t give yourself fully? You may ask.

Fears to feel the pain of a broken heart,
Fears to let go,
Fears to be vulnerable and start all over again,
Fears to feel self deception,
Fears to be authentic and lose it all,
Fears to be alone all over again,
Fears to never find the one,
Fears to end up with someone worst than the last, or
Fears to never be able to replace a great lover,
Etc.

We learn to withhold love and only give what feels safe,
I have done it, I have experienced, I have lived the pain, and let me tell you ~ it does not work!

We are infinite love, we are amazing lovers to each unique amazing relationship,
We are explorers of life and love,
We are an orgasmic and expansive creative energy,
Love… True love is part of us and we are part of love.

I have learned that the moment we separate ourselves from our wholeness and dissociate from our oneness is when we experience pain and suffering.

My desire for you today is:

Love fully, be fully present in love, give all your love and beyond ~ Start living from a place of wholeness, fulfillment and oneness.

 

Copyright 2016 Lucia Gabriela.