How many can I love?
One, two or three…
How many can I be in love with?
One, two or three…
How many can I be intimate with?
One, two or three…
How can this be?
Fuck…! This is painful as hell.
I am in commitment with one and in love with ONE more.
Oh yeah, I am guilty of loving one more.
Where are my morals kid? ~ she said,
Judgment… oh dear goddesses of judgment,
I hear you whispering,
“You cannot love more than one,
Not the right thing to do, be or have,
You will burn in hell!”
I am burning in hell already ~ what else?
I feel the horror in my mind,
When I cannot get him out of my dreams,
I sense my body agonizing for peace,
When I can feel my body melting for his and on fire every time I see him and cannot have him,
Already feels like hell.
Oh yes, I am already living in hell.
To have or not to have,
To be or not to be,
To conquer or not to conquer,
To love or not to love.
Church calls it a SIN,
Confession won’t be enough,
Penalty won’t save me,
Whipping my soul won’t stop this torture,
Loving another man when in commitment with one…
As a woman, I have been killed by this before,
Why relive this again?
What should I do?
One, two or three,
Can I love this many?
Gosh…. I feel confused,
Please wrap me back in my safe, neat and pretty pink bubble…
You know, the one where you hide, afraid to share more of you, the real you, the loving you,
The one where you follow instead of leading because you feel fear, shame, guilt, and judgement,
The one where you hide your desires and label yourself to justify your existence to others,
The one where you quiet your voice and soul expression because you have given authority to human power to define your life and existence,
The one where you surrender from lack of power and self awareness,
The one where you blind yourself to fit into other’s blueprints and cookie-cutter molds.
The one where you have numbed all aspects of yourself to not feel pain and rejection.
The one where you pretend to be what they want from you.
Yes, that one ~ shall we?
Well, I imagine the bubble is safe right?
What to do, I am so fucking confused!
What do I want?
What do I desire?
What do I feel?
What do I want to embody?
Who am I to be free to love more than one?
Whoever you are out there….
Can I just have this one just for now?
One time, only one time,
I promise, just one time!
Can I have your permission?
Since who am I to be free to give myself full permission?
Can I just taste it and see what it feels like?
Can I explore if it is real love or lust?
Can I investigate what life is really showing me?
Can I discover with this experience more about me?
Can I allow myself to be free to be, have and do what I desire, without guilt, shame and fear?
Can I have your permission to do all this?
Or I should suppress all of this,
Bury it deeply,
Get angry at myself and hate everyone’s judgement,
Let it rot in my core to become toxic,
Poisoning my body,
Poisoning my heart,
Poisoning my mind…
Live life like nothing is really there.
Live in hypocrisy…
What do you think?
What I will never forget is that,
At one point in my life I loved this many.
I will remember one, two or three things,
That, I was not strong and brave enough to express my feelings,
That, I was not willing to explore what was real in my own life,
That, I was not allowing myself to explore my authentic wants and values,
That, I was not ready to explore with innocence my present truth,
That, I was not opening my heart and vulnerability to my partners,
That, I will always remember all of this was more scary than my own slow painful death.
I will remember that I was looking for your permission and validation instead of being courageous to reclaim and own myself in all forms, times and realms.
Do I need your permission now or do I awaken to reclaim mine?
Copyright 2017 Lucia Gabriela
Graphic Artist: Android Jone